A brave current student lets me look into the frustrations and impossibilities of being a domestically abused woman.
She has my support and my gratitude for sharing her story.
To all women who read this, please look at this as a wake up call. Your safety and the safety of your children falls to you if your husband becomes abusive.
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My intention is to illustrate the sad reality of the system, not seeking sympathy for myself. I am not a victim – I’m a survivor fighting hard to get stronger and know I would defend myself.
I was advised and I thought it a smart idea, to speak informally to the Police to tell them that my abuser had followed me to live in the same complex.
That while I was physically hurt “only” a few times in my marriage, I was the victim of severe Domestic Abuse: economic, emotional and psychologically for 17 years. And that I am a parent of two children with disabilities.
Officer asked “what’s going on”:
My story:
I followed the rules of the Domestic Violence clinic to have a safety plan. He nodded.
I installed a video doorbell. another nod
I documented a request of my abuser to not pick up my teenage boys from the front of my residence as they can walk to his.
The abuser refused. The officer knowingly smiled.
I receive texts from my abuser letting me know he had been in my garage, to “fix” one of our children’s bikes but requested personal items that demonstrated he had searching my belonging. The officer nodded. I did what the rules said and documented a request that he does not enter my personal space.
I informed my teen boys their dad is not allowed in our home or car or garage.
I began to receive mail – Wells Fargo, Geico in my mailbox. With my abusers name listed as residing in MY unit number vs. his address. I followed the rules, the Domestic Violence clinic said this is form of “hovering” and a known step that is pre-stalking.My abuser seeks personal contact with me.
When financial matters are involved and I require paperwork, the abuser consistently requests I meet him after 9pm alone; The officer continued to nod.
The officer explained that while right now I wouldn’t get one, there is an ex-parte restraining order I can file for “once he really steps over the line”.
He then asked, how long since the divorce? I said two months.
He laughed (it was not intentional on his part to mock me, he is simply not trauma trained). But it was awful for me.
He said “Ma’am, I’m sorry to say this… but he’s just getting started with you”.
Call us when you need us and I have the last name.
This is how women like me are forced to live, I cannot walk my dog at night without carrying a tactical pen
The paperwork of divorce is just that to an abuser. Paperwork. They know there are no consequences or enforcement of any behavior they choose to exact us.
I feel tremendous anger and loss for what happened to Jennifer Dulos with the knowledge, her situation was not mine. Mine didn’t purchase a gun (that I know of).
I train and will continue to do so for the rest of my life in Krav Maga and Yoga. Science backs this up…I have C-PTSD and these are the most effective practices I’ve found to create lasting peace from the trauma. (Re: The Body Keeps The Score”)
Krav and Spear empowers me that I can stay strong and safer.
Women I meet have no awareness of reality based self defense as an option. There are recommendations to change the term from Domestic abuse to Intimate Partner Terrorism which I fully support and continue with Domestic Violence for the physical harm. I have attached below the “standard” to get a restraining order so you can see how “imminent” it has to be to meet the bar to protect abused ex spouses; To me while this affects far more women, it is not actually a gender issue.
Men are entitled to the exact same protections emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically from their ex spouse/abuser.
Currently, these forms of abuse in most cases never qualify for a standard of “crimes of violence”.
The entire system discourages women from becoming skilled in self defense. We are warned that mothers can get arrested in a dispute and as a result, we would leave our children in the care of the System. This is true and it has to change. Too many womenare abused and/or dying from DV. Women remain ignorant and powerless to defend themselves in divorce and custody cases. The most apt phrase I have read is — we are “thrown to the wolves” in the family court process.
There should not have to be a choice between protecting your own body because it might cause an immediate arrest (with no requirement of an assessment of the crime mind you – he said/she said is enough to arrest) and you risk the loss of your children to protective services. And yet, this is where we are.
